What to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving: Words That Actually Help

Someone you care about is grieving. You want to help. You want to say the right thing.

But every time you try to find the words, they feel wrong. Too small. Too awkward. Too likely to make things worse instead of better.

So maybe you've said nothing at all. Or maybe you've said something and immediately regretted it. Or maybe you're reading this right now, phone in hand, trying to figure out what to text before you lose your nerve.

Here's the truth: there are no magic words that will take away someone's pain. Grief doesn't work that way. But there are words that help—words that make a grieving person feel less alone, more seen, more held.

And there are words that hurt, even when we mean well.

This guide will help you understand the difference, so you can show up for someone you love during the hardest time of their life.

Why It's So Hard to Know What to Say

Let's start with some compassion for yourself. Finding the right words for someone who is grieving is genuinely difficult, and there are reasons for that.

Death makes us uncomfortable. Our culture doesn't teach us how to talk about loss. We're trained to fix problems, find silver linings, and move on quickly. None of that works with grief.

We're afraid of making it worse. What if we say the wrong thing? What if we make them cry? What if we remind them of their loss? (Spoiler: they haven't forgotten.)

We feel helpless. We can't bring their person back. We can't fix the unfixable. Words feel inadequate because, in some ways, they are.

We project our own fears. Death reminds us of our own mortality and our own future losses. Sometimes our discomfort is really about us, not them.

If you've struggled to find words, you're not alone. The fact that you're trying—that you care enough to search for the right thing to say—already means something.

What Grieving People Actually Need to Hear

Before we get to specific phrases, let's understand what a grieving person needs from your words.

They need to know you acknowledge the loss. Silence can feel like the death didn't happen, like their person didn't matter. Saying something—almost anything—is usually better than saying nothing.

They need permission to grieve. Our culture rushes people through grief. Your words can give them permission to feel what they feel, for as long as they need to feel it.

They need to feel less alone. Grief is isolating. Your presence—even through a text—reminds them that they're not facing this by themselves.

They need to hear the name. Many grieving people say the thing they want most is to hear their loved one's name spoken aloud. Don't be afraid to use it.

They don't need you to fix it. You can't. And trying to fix it often makes them feel like their grief is a problem to be solved rather than a natural response to loss.

Words That Help

Here are phrases that grieving people consistently say brought them comfort. Use them as they are, or adapt them to your voice.

Simple Acknowledgments

Sometimes the simplest words are the most powerful.

• "I'm so sorry."
• "I don't know what to say, but I'm here."
• "This is so hard. I'm thinking of you."
• "I can't imagine what you're going through."
• "My heart is with you."

These phrases don't try to explain, fix, or minimize. They simply acknowledge the reality of the loss and your presence in it.

Using Their Name

Grieving people often say the most meaningful thing someone can do is speak their loved one's name.

• "I've been thinking about [Name] today."
• "I'll never forget [Name]'s laugh."
• "I keep remembering when [Name] did [specific memory]."
• "[Name] meant so much to so many people."
• "I wish I could have known [Name] better."

Using the name shows that you remember their person as an individual—not just "your loss" or "your loved one," but the specific, irreplaceable human they were.

Offering Presence

Sometimes what people need isn't words but knowing you'll be there.

• "I'm here whenever you want to talk—or when you don't."
• "You don't have to respond to this. I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you."
• "I'm not going anywhere."
• "There's no timeline on this. I'll still be checking in months from now."
• "You don't have to be strong with me."

These phrases relieve the pressure to perform or respond. They offer unconditional presence.

Validating Their Grief

Grieving people often feel like they're "too much" or "not doing it right." Validation helps.

• "There's no right way to grieve."
• "Whatever you're feeling is okay."
• "You don't have to hold it together."
• "It makes sense that this is devastating."
• "Grief takes as long as it takes."

Validation doesn't judge the grief or try to shape it. It simply accepts it as it is.

Sharing Memories

If you knew the person who died, sharing a specific memory can be a gift.

• "I remember when [Name] helped me with [specific thing]. I'll never forget that kindness."
• "One of my favorite memories of [Name] is when we [specific moment]."
• "[Name] once told me [something meaningful], and I still think about it."
• "I keep thinking about [Name]'s [specific quality]—the way they made everyone feel welcome."

Specific memories show that you knew and valued the person. They also give the grieving person something precious: a new story about their loved one, or a familiar story seen through different eyes.

When You Didn't Know the Person

If you didn't know the deceased, you can still offer meaningful support.

• "I didn't know [Name], but I can see how much they meant to you."
• "Thank you for sharing about [Name] with me."
• "I would have loved to meet them."
• "Will you tell me more about them sometime?"

Asking to hear about the person shows genuine interest and gives the griever an opportunity to talk about someone they love—which many grieving people desperately want to do.

Words That Hurt (Even When We Mean Well)

Some phrases have become so common that we say them without thinking. Unfortunately, many of them cause more pain than comfort.

"Everything happens for a reason."

This might be your belief, and it might eventually be theirs. But in the raw aftermath of loss, it can feel dismissive—as if there could be a reason good enough to justify this pain.

Try instead: "I don't understand why this happened. I just know it's not fair."

"They're in a better place."

This is a religious belief, not a universal truth. And even for people who believe it, "a better place" doesn't eliminate the ache of missing someone here.

Try instead: "I hope wherever they are, they're at peace."

"At least they're not suffering anymore."

This may be true, but it minimizes the grief. The person knows their loved one isn't suffering—that doesn't make the loss easier.

Try instead: "I'm glad they're not in pain anymore. I know you're still hurting, though."

"I know how you feel."

Even if you've experienced a similar loss, you don't know exactly how they feel. Every grief is unique.

Try instead: "I've experienced loss too, and while I won't pretend to know exactly what you're going through, I understand how hard this is."

"You need to be strong."

This implies that grief is weakness. It puts pressure on someone who is already overwhelmed.

Try instead: "You don't have to be strong right now. It's okay to fall apart."

"Call me if you need anything."

This sounds supportive, but it puts the burden on the griever to reach out—something most people are too exhausted to do.

Try instead: "I'm going to bring you dinner on Thursday. What time works?" (Be specific.)

"They would want you to be happy."

This may be true eventually, but it can feel like pressure to stop grieving before they're ready.

Try instead: "I know they loved you so much. Take all the time you need."

"Time heals all wounds."

Time doesn't heal grief—it changes it. And in the early days, hearing that they just need to wait is not helpful.

Try instead: "This pain won't feel this raw forever, but I know it's unbearable right now."

Saying nothing at all

Many people avoid grieving friends because they don't know what to say. But silence often feels worse than imperfect words. The grieving person may interpret your absence as not caring.

Try instead: Anything. A short text. A card. An emoji if that's all you can manage. Show up imperfectly.

Beyond Words: How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving

Words matter, but actions matter too. Here's how to support someone beyond what you say.

Show up consistently

Grief support isn't a one-time thing. The first week is full of visitors; by week six, everyone is gone. Be the person who's still texting at month three and still remembering at year one.

Be specific in your offers

Don't say "let me know if you need anything." Instead:

• "I'm dropping off groceries tomorrow. Any requests?"
• "I'd like to mow your lawn this weekend. Would that be okay?"
• "I'm picking up your kids from school on Wednesday."
• "I made an extra casserole. Can I bring it by tonight?"

Specific offers are easier to accept than vague ones.

Remember important dates

The funeral isn't the only hard day. Mark your calendar for:

• The birthday of the person who died
• The anniversary of the death
• Holidays (the first Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's Day)
• The griever's birthday

A simple "thinking of you today" on these dates can mean the world.

Listen more than you talk

When a grieving person wants to talk, let them. Don't interrupt with advice. Don't redirect to your own experience. Just listen. Being heard is one of the greatest gifts you can give.

Tolerate the discomfort

Grief is uncomfortable to witness. You may see someone cry, rage, or shut down completely. Your job isn't to make them feel better—it's to stay present in the discomfort. Don't rush to fix it. Just be there.

What to Write in a Card or Text

Sometimes writing is easier than speaking. Here are some sample messages you can adapt.

Short and Simple

"I'm so sorry about [Name]. Thinking of you and holding you in my heart."

"No words feel adequate right now. I just want you to know I care and I'm here."

"Sending you so much love. There's no rush to respond—just know I'm thinking of you."

With a Memory

"I keep thinking about the time [Name] [specific memory]. That's the kind of person they were—always making everyone feel special. I'm so sorry for your loss."

"I'll never forget how [Name] [specific quality or moment]. They touched so many lives. I'm holding you close in my thoughts."

For Someone You're Not Close With

"We haven't talked in a while, but I heard about [Name] and wanted to reach out. I'm so sorry. You're in my thoughts."

"I know we don't know each other well, but I wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss. If there's anything I can do, I'm here."

When Time Has Passed

"I know it's been a few months since [Name] passed, but I want you to know I'm still thinking about you. Grief doesn't have a timeline, and neither does my support."

"I was thinking about [Name] today and wanted you to know they're not forgotten. How are you holding up?"

What If You Say the Wrong Thing?

You might. Most people do at some point. Here's what to do:

Forgive yourself. You were trying to help. Your intentions matter.

Apologize simply. "I'm sorry—I don't think that came out right. I just want you to know I care."

Don't over-explain. A long justification of what you meant can make things worse. A short, sincere apology is enough.

Keep showing up. One awkward moment doesn't disqualify you from being supportive. Keep trying.

Grieving people are often more forgiving than we expect. They know this is hard for everyone. What they remember isn't the perfect words—it's the people who showed up.

Frequently Asked Questions

What if I don't know the person who died?

You can still offer support. Say something like "I didn't know [Name], but I can see how much they meant to you. I'm so sorry."

Should I bring up the loss or wait for them to mention it?

Bring it up. Grieving people often want to talk but don't want to burden others. Asking "How are you doing with the loss?" gives them permission.

Is it okay to text instead of call?

Yes. Many grieving people find texts easier because they can respond when they're ready. Just let them know they don't have to reply.

What if I cry when talking to them?

That's okay. Tears show you care. Just don't make the conversation about your grief—keep the focus on them.

How long should I keep reaching out?

Much longer than you think. The first year is full of painful firsts. Keep checking in at one month, three months, six months, and the anniversary.

What if they don't respond to my messages?

Don't take it personally. Grief is exhausting. Keep sending occasional messages—they notice, even if they can't reply.

The Most Important Thing

Here's what I want you to remember: the most important thing isn't what you say. It's that you say something.

Grieving people don't need perfect words. They need to know they're not alone. They need to know their loved one mattered. They need to know you care enough to try, even when it's awkward.

So take a breath. Send the text. Write the card. Make the call. Say "I'm sorry" and "I'm here" and "I won't forget."

That's enough. That's more than enough.

With warmth,

Virginia